The Ugly Swan

Today I was having lunch with my friend Daze and another girl she knows which I will refer to as Ant (Since she just regurgitates classic society norms) I am biting into a biscuit and she looks at me and says "Have you ever thought about getting braces" I think I should take a moment to tell you that I have healthy teeth. I have never had a cavity and aside from the slight yellow from smoking they are in mint condition. But I do have a small jaw line and my two front teeth are large. When I was younger I had 8 permanent teeth removed, a space bar put in, and a gum surgery. It was hell. They did all this in the hopes that my mouth would grow into my teeth and I would have a "beautiful smile" It didn't work. Well I had been tormented for years by my peers calling me a beaver or chick monk. When I was in high school I decided to get braces. They told me that my teeth are straight they are just large and to fix my over bite they would have to chizzle and file my teeth down and then put on a cap to protect the raw nerve. Oh did I mention this would be really painful and that there was a possibility that they would real fuck up my teeth? So I decided that I had to learn to love my smile over bite and all.
You see when she said that the insecure little girl that I carry in me came flooding back. I quickly closed my mouth real tight (something I had learned to do as a child because if they can't see your teeth they can't say anything about them) I guess it is my fault because I have refused to let go of that little girl and so she pops up from time to time.
Now is the moment for the truth. I have always been self-conscious. I don't leave the house without make up and if I do I am extremely uneasy. I am not a beautiful girl. I battle with my weight (I eat when I am depressed) When I was younger I wouldn't eat for days. People would always tell me how skinny I was and that validated me. But the truth is I wasn't any happier then I am today, in some ways I was worse off. I would wake up and think "Wow today I am skinny and I wouldn't eat that day because I was afraid of losing my 'skinny day'" If the hunger pain got to much I would eat a small portion then run up to my room and lock the door. Once inside I would exercise till exhaustion attempting to purge myself of the calories. I felt like I was weak when I ate. But everyone told me I was skinny and beautiful so it seemed worth it.
Then I began to get really depressed because I could never be skinny or pretty enough so I would go down stairs into the garage open up my father’s tools and grab a razor blade. I would cut myself. I hated myself and had become numb the only thing that reminded me I was alive was the sight of my own blood. I had to wear elbow length gloves to my prom because the night before I had cut ten straight lines into each of my arms. All because I didn’t have a date. I remember after I did I would feel calm and I would crawl into bed and wrap towels around my wounds. Then I would pray that none of them were deep enough to kill me. I didn't want to die I just needed a release and the razor gave it to me.
When people would see cuts and ask about them I would say a cat did it. I am not sure if they bought it because it was a plausible explanation or because it was easier to deal with then the truth. I remember the first time I told anyone the truth it was Clementine. We were sitting in an IHOP and my sleeve moved and he saw one. I couldn't lie to him I had to tell the truth. The look in his eyes hurt more then any razor blade. He lost it and began to sob right there. Which made me cry. People must have thought we were insane. He begged me not to hurt myself ever again. He told me to come to him whenever life got to rough. I haven't cut myself since that day but the razor has beckoned. I usually sit there holding it for hours fighting myself with the memory of Clementine's plea and the memory of the feeling of release. I can't say one hundred percent that I will never do it again because the urge is still in me, but I can say that I have won every battle thus far and I hope to win the rest.
I am not looking for sympathy. I just felt that you deserved to know the whole truth. So that you would understand that the fact that I am alive today attest to my beauty because I lived through so much ugly. And I hope you understand that if I have the choice I will keep the smile I got because it was hard to find.