Monday, January 09, 2006

I haven't been blogging lately because I have been pretty down. It all started earlier in this week when I changed my SC drivers license to a TN one. I know it seems foolish but I felt like I was giving up a part of myself. Though my new picture is a whole hell of a lot better, I still feel like I betrayed my soul. You see now it is official I am no longer a South Cacky Lacky girl I am from this state. There is no going back. Even when I went to Germany I didn't have to give up my SC license. I guess I always wanted the light left on in case I liked the dancing, but now the light is clearly to far away. I feel alone and isolated. I have my husband and my pets, but I don't really have anyone else here. You see I don't consider a person to be in my life if everything has to be on their terms. Maybe it is infantile of me, but I believe that if someone never gives into you and lets you have it your way then you are in their life but they are not in yours. It is kind of like I am a guest star on their show. My in laws and friends are like this. If they devise the plan then I am supposed to make room and do it, but if I come up with an idea everyone is too busy and sadly can't make it. His sisters birthday party is this weekend, and we of course are expected to go. I don't want to because my birthday is approaching quickly and I remember my "party" last year. No one came. His Mom and Dad showed up but to be honest I was living with them at the time so they were kind of already there. No one else came or got me a gift or hell even a card. I had driven 5 hours to spend my birthday up here and there was nothing. I cried for most of my 23rd birthday. But anyway I have gone to everyone else's parties and brought gifts and smiled and appeared happy, but I know this will not be the case for my birthday. Maybe his parents will call this year. I know that I am whining, and maybe I seem like a spoiled little child. But this blog is only serving the purpose of letting people know why I have dropped off the planet for a little while. I have gone into my cave. I am reflecting and trying to get myself out of this foul mood. I stare at the ceiling watching the snowflakes change into blurry tears. I am just blue and I hope to be back to my cynical bitchy self soon.

4 Comments:

At 7:35 PM , Blogger Louis Casinelli said...

AAAW! :( Babygirl... I love you! I am sorry I am so far away. You know it breaks my heart when I can't afford to get you anything for your birthday because my life is always in self-inflicted catastrophe. I hope to be able to do better this year. I was actually thinking about it today. And how I would package something I had an idea of making that is really cheezy. I know it is not about the value but I always feel like a loser when my little sister can't get what she deserves from her older brother on her birthday. And remember it is not all about me. Call me and tell me when you are down. Tell me to shut up if I won't. I love you more than the world. And remember we have our big bdays coming up in 2007. Skydiving WOOHOO!!

 
At 8:38 PM , Blogger two star general said...

A call for my birthday is all I want. I know I can call you when I am down, It's just that you were having so much fun with ty ty and I didn't want to spoil your mood. Speaking of birthdays, I need an idea for yours. Something personal. You got to let me know soon, though I may not be able to get it until after your b-day. I know only one more year until we defy gravity and see the world through a whole new perspective. i can't wait.

 
At 6:07 AM , Blogger Louis Casinelli said...

You would not spoil my mood. I would just inspire you to silliness and at least break the doldrums for a bit. Surprise me on my bday gift. I am trying to think about it, though.

 
At 7:20 AM , Blogger Ty said...

I know how you feel, about losing yourself in someone else's life and feeling isolated. I've been there.
Don't ever decline to call your brother just because he is with me. I would bet he wants us both to be happy.

 

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