Monday, May 21, 2007

Call Me Stumpy

I recently read the old child's book the giving tree. At first I was laughing at the horrible coloring job I did in it when I was in the first grade. But then I started to actually read the story, and I realized that I am the giving tree. I have given all that was valuable away and sadly my kindness has been the demise of myself. I unfortunately do not know when to say "NO" to someone I love in order to save myself. Like the tree I am left now as only a stump in the ground and all the little boys in my life that have taken my fruit, leaves, branches, and trunk, are all in line to now sit on me. Even though I cry desperately for them to release me from the guilt that I form from not being able to help. They don't release me instead they form new guilt by simply asking what I expect them to do without my help. Well, boys you have carved your names into my hearts thus leaving a permanent scar on me, I will always love you, but I am tired now. I wish to decay under the termites alone and I now ask you, What do you expect of me?? Have I not given enough, have I not sacrificed enough, when will I be set free by your unconditional love just as I have set you free by mine so many times. Is it not possible to keep you in my life without giving something to you boys? Why can't we simply love each other with neither one having to sacrifice?
I ask this because even now as I am about to attempt to save myself I am scared. Scared that the ones that I love will no longer talk to me when I save myself. They will see this as some act of war on them rather then what it is me saving myself before I go under. So can I have it? Can I still have you in my life, still have your love in spite of the fact that I have no more to give? That is all this stump wants to know.

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