Surviving the In laws

Ok folks. We all have or someday will have in-laws. These are nasty little creatures hell bent on destroying you and saving their "precious". Now most in-laws will smile in your face only to gut you from the back when you turn around. They will invite you to family functions only to see how far the can get you to your breaking point before you explode. Then they get to play victim. If you can't tell already I hate people who play the victim, because the role is so grossly over used. But back to the in-laws. This is your survival guide. I suggest that you print it out and laminate it to refer to when the situation arises.
First always remain polite and quite. You are the stranger in their jungle; they own you. Avoid conflict. This may sound like you are giving in and letting them win. This is not the case. You are just buying time until your significant other receives inheritance. Therefore it is ok to just let it go. Unless they cross some unforgivable line. Then throw caution to the wind and kiss your money goodbye because at this point you have to let them have it.
Second Always have wine with you and on your person. Why you ask? Because in order to fulfill the first rule you have to be at least tipsy. (This is also a great scape goat for when you do blow up because you can claim that you were drunk and didn't mean it.) Now it has to be wine. If you walk around with a glass of wine you look like a socialite or sophisticated even. If you walk around doing shots of Black Velvet you just look like an alcoholic. And family members never pass down their money to the alcoholics. It's something to do with drinking away the family fortune.
Finally always time your get togethers to be NO longer then 2 hours. This gives you time to get a good buzz and keeps you from getting completely plastered. It is also the right amount of time to make sure that everyone at the event sees you at least twice. Now you may break the two hour rule and stay longer only when someone else has not left the party first. You never want to leave the party first this gives the entire family time to talk about you and conspire against you. But if you must absolutely leave the party first fake an illness or claim that you have to go to work early the next morning.
Well, folks that is my wisdom for today. Adhere to it, even practice it a few time when you are alone a room. And for god's sake please remember to carry a big purse because there is no way 2 bottles of wine will fit in your pocket.