WARNING: My cooking may cause lung cancer

I am a terrible cook which is why my hubby and I tend to eat out more then in. I have managed to master one dish which is spaghetti. I make the sauce from scratch and to blow my own horn it is a damn good meal.
But when I venture out of my one dish specialty problems emerge. My worst foe is by far chicken. And as dinner tonight proved, I may never conquer this mortal enemy.
I had been away for awhile and I had missed my life something fierce while I was a refugee in Sweet Grass, Montana. To mark my coming home I decide to cook chicken for dinner. I was aware that I didn't have a good track record with chicken, but that is what my hubby wanted so I agreed. He laid down for a nap and about an hour later I started dinner.
I sprayed the pan with olive oil, and set the burner on medium high. I placed the chicken in the pan. So far so good. I turned around and began to wash the vegetables. Next thing I know the smoke alarm in the house are going off. I turn back around and the entire house has a blue haze in it. I run and flip the chicken. When I lift the lid a huge blue cloud of smoke enters the air and the second smoke alarm at the end of the hall starts going off. I run and rip both alarms off the wall. They are still blaring their obnoxious "beep beep" noise so I throw them into a pile of dirty clothes. At this point the animals run into the far back room and all three lay on the floor attempting to get away from the smoke. I don't have a single window that opens in this house so I decided to open the door. There was no breeze here today so the smoke slowly trickled its way out the door. It took about an hour for all of the smoke to leave and for my animals to emerge from the floor. The worst part of this all is that Kevin never once got out of bed! He knew that I was cooking chicken, and that there was a far greater odds that I was just destroying the meat then the odds of the house actually catching on fire. I guess he knows me to well.
So I have put my foot down. The only thing we will eat in the house that is prepared here is microwave food.
Now if you will excuse me the Surgeon General is here and I must comply with him and post a note on the front door that reads.
WARNING:
Food prepared in this house may cause lung cancer. You are urged not to remain in this dwelling while food is prepared. Women who are pregnant, nursing, or may become pregnant are urged to leave the second the stove is turned on. If you chose to enter while food is being prepared, you do so at your own risk, and the cook is in no way liable for injury or illness that may have been caused due to entry.

The year of the dog is a bitch

In 1982 a little girl was born. She was going to breathe life back into this apathetic world. She was full wonder and awe. She wanted to conquer the world and make everyone sing together in happy times. It was the year of the dog and I was born.
originally I was really excited about 2006, it was the year of the dog so I thought what the hell the cosmos are throwing me a bone and giving me the year off of pain and suffering. I was wrong. The cosmos were grabbing me by the nape of the neck and doggie style humping an entire litter of turmoil into my womb. Thanks a lot cosmos the least you could do is call or send flowers.
You all know about Bryen, well the bad news for the month of February didn't end there. Earlier this week I got the call that my Grandpa has terminal cancer and isn't going to live long. Apparently it was already decided that I was to go to Montana and play ambassador for the family. I agreed because I know that my Dad can't deal with it and that he would rather ignore the problem and none of the other family members could stomach my step-grandmother when it comes down to an one on one visit. So I am packing my bags and making arrangements to say goodbye to my grandfather. I wasn't real close to him, but I feel I owe him enough to be there since in my later years he has helped by supporting me in college. Now I must travel say hello and goodbye in hopes that by being the families ambassador and wishing Grandpa luck in the next life the cosmos will let up and let me find just an inkling of solace in the year of the dog.