Is this really me?

I just finished balling while cleaning the dirty dishes. No, the act of scrubbing meatloaf off of a pan didn't make me weep, it is the realization that I failed my son today. I never thought for a minute that I would be perfect, but I never thought that I would stand by and let the pains of my youth harm him. Here is the story:
I have a step daughter (SD), this relationship is rocky to say the least. I also have a mother in law (MIL), and that relationship isn't much better. I can say that I have tried to be peaceful. That I have tried to look past the looney toon ex, the lies from a child, and the foolishness of my MIL, but I think a time has come when I can't. My MIL has made it clear on many occasions that my SD is her favorite grand child. I am not over exaggerating. She has actually listed the order in which she likes her grand children with SD being number one and Baby Boy NOT EVEN BEING MENTIONED!!
I was not the favorite grandchild. My older brother was loved, my oldest brother the least liked, and that left apathy for me. This caused many problems. I resented my older brother, and I held anger toward all adults in the situation for not behaving better. This truly hurt me for many years, and to be honest still does. I always wondered why I wasn't good enough. What made me worse. No matter what I did it never made them happy. In some ways I was also jealous of my oldest brother, he may have been hated, but because I was a girl I was invincible.
I have spoken of this because it is now happening to my son. My MIL brought my SD on a shopping spree under the guise of bringing her along to help her shop for Christmas gifts. My MIL dropped at least $200 on my SD. She bought her a lot of clothes because me SD lives with a moon bat of a mother who can't be bothered to spend her child support on the child. She has to pay for the lives of the two people she is fucking. No that is not a type-o I really meant two. She is a whore, whose vagina has been seen by more people then Brittany Spears. Yes, I am including the no underwear getting out of the car photo viewed by millions. Yet I regress. So my MIL takes the SD on this grotesque shopping trip and what does she get baby boy?? Some dollar teething rings from the grocery store as an after thought because she FORGOT him until Crow mentioned him.
But that is not the worst part. The worst part is I saw this and said nothing. God help me I just sat there while my son, my only son, was treated like a second class citizen. I feel like such a bad mother, I said nothing. I became the person I actually despised. I sat there and let him be treated like he wasn't good enough. And for what some babysitting when I go to school.
So now you know why I cried. My silence will haunt me.

Waiving the White Flag

I know I have to finish the story of baby boys birth, but I need to write this blog first. I am officially surrendering to the war on exes. I quit. Crow's ex a.k.a Bad Dye Job wins. I am so tired of the constant fear. I desperately need a new car, but can't get one because I never know when she will get to drinking and thinking that this world owes her something, and then BAM more child support is owed. Which would mean that I can't make the payments and then my car is re-poed. I know it sounds insane to those who don't live in terror everyday, but there is no negotiating with terrorist because their demands are just to massive. You see Crow has a daughter that I have tried and tried to make my own, but she has been poisoned to long to straighten her out now. What bugs me is that after all the lies have been told I think Bad Dye Job actually is believing them now, and I don't know how to fight crazy. Which leads me to the real point I am tired of fighting. I just wanted to be left alone. Unfortunately I have a weekly spy in my home, but as long as I remain detached then I can't get hurt. You see in order to save my own sanity I have to walk away. I can no longer tread water while tied to a boulder that is threatening to drown me. I have been hurt in this situation more times then I can count, and it just doesn't seem worth it anymore. I have my own child to think about. I must do everything I can to protect him for this crazy bitch, even if it means hiding in my room eight days a month. All I ask is that you don't judge me. I have been in fear, true fear for over six years now, I need a break. Now excuse me I need a moment to myself, to reflect.