The cat and dog are out of the bag

Today has been a day full of turmoil and stress. It all started with a load of laundry and will end with me ripping my hair out. Early this morning I rose to walk my dogs Shoki and Deimos. I fed all my pets even Skynyrd's, my cat, bowl was empty. I knew that I had to work that evening so I placed my clothes in my washing machine. I went about my day, then Deimos who is still a puppy had an accident on my hardwood floors, and I had to go get the mop out of the laundry room. As I stepped outside, horror awaited. My laundry room had water pouring out of it and flooding my carport. I screamed and open the door quickly. Apparently what happened was my laundry machine drain had become clogged, thus forcing the sink in that room to overflow and not empty. I still am not completely sure how this happened, but that's what they say. So I call my husband and tell him what is going on. He tells me to call his Dad. He is in bed and offers no assistance. So I call Crow back and he tells me to call our landlord. I did and he says he is on his way while I am walking up to the store to buy drain cleaner. He is pulling up before I can hide my dog and cat. You see we had permission to have one Dog, Shoki. Well, when we moved in we snuck in our kitty Skynyrd and recently we just added Deimos to our family. I feel that I should tell you I love my animals like children. I am very protective and defensive about them. So he enters and asks how many pets we have. I tell him three. Right away he tells me that two have to get out. I just stare at him like he is insane and don't answer. Well, we fix the sink (though I think it is only temporary) and again he tells me I have to get rid of two of my animals because I only had his "permission" to have one. I looked him dead in the eyes and said "No, I can tell you right now that I wont get rid of my animals." He then scolds me for sneaking in my pets, but informs me that we will have to pay for any damages that they do. He then points out some scratches in the cabinets that are clearly from 1932 and says my dogs did that. I told him that no they didn't. He ends the conversation with "You will pay for what I say you will pay for and you wont argue." I replied simply "maybe" and he left.
Now I know that I have probably bored you, but this has been eating me up inside all day. I was terrible today at work and when I got home I was in an awful mood. So now that I have put my day out into the world maybe I can move on and enjoy the rest of my night. Thanks for listening, and don't worry Skynyrd, Shoki, and Deimos wont be going anywhere.

This is so TRUE, freaky

Your Birthdate: February 9

You are a born idealist, with more pet causes than you can count.You prefer be around others, both when working and while relaxing.Generous and giving, you believe you can change the world one person at a time.You're open minded and tolerant. People feel like they can tell you anything. Your strength: Your go-with-the-flow flexibility Your weakness: Your flair for the over dramatic Your power color: Pine green Your power symbol: Circle Your power month: September

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

Maybe

Your Personality Profile

You are elegant, withdrawn, and brilliant.Your mind is a weapon, able to solve any puzzle.You are also great at poking holes in arguments and common beliefs. For you, comfort and calm are very important.You tend to thrive on your own and shrug off most affection.You prefer to protect your emotions and stay strong.

The World's Shortest Personality Test

Don't think so

In a Past Life...

You Were: A Greasy Herbalist. Where You Lived: Burma. How You Died: Suicide.

Who Were You In a Past Life?

I told you..

You Are 80% Boyish and 20% Girlish

You have a tough exterior - and usually a tough interior to match it.You're no nonsense, logical, and very assertive.Sometimes you can't understand women at all, even if you're a woman yourself.You see things rationally, and don't like to let your emotions get the best of you.

How Boyish or Girlish Are You?

Sure

Your Personality Is

Guardian (SJ) You are sensible, down to earth, and goal oriented.Bottom line, you are good at playing by the rules. You tend to be dominant - and you are a natural leader.You are interested in rules and order. Morals are important to you. A hard worker, you give your all at whatever you do.You're very serious, and people often tell you to lighten up. In love, you tend to take things carefully and slowly. At work, you are suited to almost any career - but you excel in leadership positions. With others, you tend to be polite and formal. As far as looks go, you are traditionally attractive. You take good care of yourself. On weekends, you tend to like to do organized activities. In fact, you often organize them!

The Three Question Personality Test

I concur

Your Hidden Talent

You have the natural talent of rocking the boat, thwarting the system.And while this may not seem big, it can be.It's people like you who serve as the catalysts to major cultural changes.You're just a bit behind the scenes, so no one really notices.

What's" Your Hidden Talent?

Odds and Ends

If I happen to have faithful readers I apologize for not writing recently. I have been spending quality time with the family. I of course spent Christmas with them, and I had a wonderful time. My happiest moments in life are when my entire family is together and peaceful. Then my parents came up for a visit. We went to see the tow truck museum. It was a little boring for me, but my Dad really wanted to go, so we made a day out of it. I also got some new stuff because when I talk to my parents on the phone I never allude to the fact that money is tight and that we are going without on something, but when they come to visit they notice and get them for me. This time they bought me curtains for my livingroom and a space heater. YAY!
Back to Christmas. I got a mixture of lovely things to feed my vanity and useful things to feed my empty house. One thing that I should mention is Ty. When he called my brother to wish him a Merry Christmas, he asked to speak to me. He won MAJOR brownie points for that. I saw this as an act of acknowledging me as someone separate from Lou (usually the boys just assume talking to him and telling him to relay messages is the same as talking to me, this annoys me) I also saw this as a move toward our own friendship. So Ty the scorecard is starting to stack in your favor.
Crow has been sick for what seems like forever. He keeps wanting to call out of work, but I wont let him. We need the cash, and he understands that. All else is well. I am still sick of my job, sick of people and over all sick of Tenn. But hey what's a girl to do? So folks I believe I have caught you up. I need to get some sleep, but while I slumber I will be thinking of my next blog.

Rantings of a pissed off waitress

Ok, to all of you cheap asses out there, LEARN TO TIP. I thought with Christmas coming and it being the time to give I would be making bank this time of year. I was wrong if anything I am actually making less money. Are you aware that as a server I make $2.13 an hour?? If you don't tip me I might just starve to death. My job is not glamorous and I have no intention of being a lifer I am just doing time. But until I get my degree and start getting paid for being the opinionated little bitch I am, I must work like a whore for your money. I will bend over and let you shove your rudeness right up my ass if it means you will give me five dollars. I am a whore, just a food whore. I would also like to tell you that SURPRISE I don't cook your food, so if your steak is not how you ordered it, it's not my fault. I also do not wash the dishes, and can not be held responsible if there is dried egg on your fork. I am just so sick of my job, and you the public who make my life hell while I am there. It takes every ounce of my being not to slice your throat with a butter knife when you call me stupid because some part of your order is messed up. Stupid? Me? Bitch I have a 4.0 in college and you, judging from the dirt under your nails, probably can't spell college. If I wasn't afraid of some insane felony charge I would spit in your food. Also if you are a dirty old man, it is NOT ok for you to flirt with me. My skin crawls and a little bit of vomit creeps up in my throat every time you call me "baby". I am not the one in a depends diaper so calling me baby is just disgusting. People with children: Stay home!! Why do you bring your snot nosed screaming child out in public? If they have no home training then keep them at home and deal with them. And I am so sorry that you find it offensive that I don't coo at your spawn while it plasters it's food into the floor that I know I have to sweep. You should also know that the sugar caddy is NOT a toy. I hate it when you let this little disgusting creature play with it then you have the audacity to leave all the sugar packs out on the table. Then you leave me a dollar, which isn't even enough to have me pick up after your offspring. To all you gay men out there, keep on coming in I love your dual expendable incomes and high tips. Granted I usually have to give you relationship advice, but it is worth the ten dollars you leave me on an eight dollar check. So the moral of this story is, if you don't know how to behave in public stay home, and if you must come out pay me for my trouble. Or I might just someday come to your job sit down at your desk and dump splenda all over your paperwork.

I'm a man, well kinda

I have always been told in one way or another that I am masculine. It began as a child when the neighborhood kids would call me a Tom Boy. Then continued through out the years. In my first college class ever I had one of the coolest professors to date. His name was Doctor Dan. He amazed me by welcoming confrontation to his class and I amazed him by bringing it. One day while the entire class is discussing proper edict for the sexes he makes a comment about women being more passive and less likely to speak up in class. Before I could open my mouth to rebuttal he says "of course Shiela doesn't fall into that category in any way. No offense." And none was taken, in actuality I was proud of myself at the moment. I had become a social force rather then a product. I was ecstatic.
I tell you this to explain my point of view on the next subject. House work. Now traditionally women cook and clean. Men are catered to and essentially "raised" along with the children. This drives me crazy. I refuse to believe that a man is above pushing a mop around the floor. This is a point of constant tention between myself and my hubby Crow. We love each other deeply and are, for the most part, content with our lives. But I am constantly irked by his lack of will to clean. If I leave for a couple of days I know when I get home dishes are waiting and laundry needs to be done. Since my gender identity is more masculine I end up yelling and bitching at him. But it isn't his fault he just was raised to believe in classic gender roles and then somewhere along the lines he fucked up and married me. hehe. So what's a girl, who acts like a boy, to do? I'll tell you. Keep cleaning the house and bitching to her brother because I have a pretty good thing going here and I shouldn't let myself lose it just because I have to clean the house. Now if you will excuse me I must pretend that I am a woman and I know how to fold the clothes. By the way does anyone know if you are supposed to fold underwear or not??

Surviving the In laws

Ok folks. We all have or someday will have in-laws. These are nasty little creatures hell bent on destroying you and saving their "precious". Now most in-laws will smile in your face only to gut you from the back when you turn around. They will invite you to family functions only to see how far the can get you to your breaking point before you explode. Then they get to play victim. If you can't tell already I hate people who play the victim, because the role is so grossly over used. But back to the in-laws. This is your survival guide. I suggest that you print it out and laminate it to refer to when the situation arises.
First always remain polite and quite. You are the stranger in their jungle; they own you. Avoid conflict. This may sound like you are giving in and letting them win. This is not the case. You are just buying time until your significant other receives inheritance. Therefore it is ok to just let it go. Unless they cross some unforgivable line. Then throw caution to the wind and kiss your money goodbye because at this point you have to let them have it.
Second Always have wine with you and on your person. Why you ask? Because in order to fulfill the first rule you have to be at least tipsy. (This is also a great scape goat for when you do blow up because you can claim that you were drunk and didn't mean it.) Now it has to be wine. If you walk around with a glass of wine you look like a socialite or sophisticated even. If you walk around doing shots of Black Velvet you just look like an alcoholic. And family members never pass down their money to the alcoholics. It's something to do with drinking away the family fortune.
Finally always time your get togethers to be NO longer then 2 hours. This gives you time to get a good buzz and keeps you from getting completely plastered. It is also the right amount of time to make sure that everyone at the event sees you at least twice. Now you may break the two hour rule and stay longer only when someone else has not left the party first. You never want to leave the party first this gives the entire family time to talk about you and conspire against you. But if you must absolutely leave the party first fake an illness or claim that you have to go to work early the next morning.
Well, folks that is my wisdom for today. Adhere to it, even practice it a few time when you are alone a room. And for god's sake please remember to carry a big purse because there is no way 2 bottles of wine will fit in your pocket.

Johnny can't read I can't spell

If you read my blog you should be able to tell two things. First I am one smart cookie, and two I can't spell cookie. hehe. It is my one curse in this world. I am extremely grateful to Mircrosoft word though. That little paper clip man lives in my head because I can be so far from the word and he still knows what I was trying to say. It scares me sometimes. I have tried to improve my ability to spell, but I have found my brain just doesn't retain it. Which is why when I write a paper for school I get it done about two weeks before the due date, just so I can re-read it a billion times correcting my grammar. I feel stupid and self conscious about it when I am in school, but here we are all friends right? And if you can't get past my ONE little flaw well then fuck you. We are all human and we all have an Achilles heal. So I beg you just read the message and take with it what you will.

If you're not even in the race please leave the arena

Lately I have seen this recurring theme in my life. People who aren't even competing are attempting to sabotage the race. Clemetentine knows what I am talking about. So now I am going to write a letter to these people (and you all know who you are)

Dear Social Leper,

You are driving down the stock in the human population. You irk everyone with your petty ways and snide remarks. You are barking up the wrong trees! I (and when I say "I" I am speaking for the entire world.) am tired of you creeping around in the shadows trying to ruin what good things people have going for them. Rather then trying to suck out the pleasures of someone else's world go find your own. Your Woo is Me song and dance is getting old quick. You play it almost as often as the radio station plays Brittany. And for the sake of human survival both must stop immediately.
Now I know that it is hard for you to stop playing the victim, because you have done it for sooo long. But the thing about being a victim you fail to realize is that you wont be saved by someone else every time. At some point in your life you will find yourself all alone and defenseless with no one to blame, and when you reach that point you will see just how horrible you truly are. Let people have their happiness even if it contradicts your pursuit because it's not all about you. We all have to live hear and you are just draining the life force out of us all.
Also, quit barking and steeping up if you have no actual intention of doing anything. When people try to step up and act all big and bad, I WILL get back in your face. I guess you can consider this your formal warning. Have a nice life and please stay away from me.
Sincerely,
Fed Up

Ok, so I had to get that off my chest. This entire week was full of people trying to push me around and failing. I am tired now, and I have said my peace so I am going to bed. But tune in tomorrow when I tell people the secret to surviving a Christmas cookie exchange with the winless. Hint: You will need a really big purse!

My Memory of my 15th Year

Ok, so Clementine already told you that when I was 15, he tried to kill me and himself. That is true, but when I look back at that time in my life I rarely see that image. There is two more prominent images that stand out in my mind. Both involve Clementine and both were the beginning of a new era.
I defeated self doubt and accomplished something I never though I could because of Clementine. I ran a mile. I know this is probably not the most impressive thing to most, but to me it was nothing short of a miracle. My mom had asked us to go to the store to and get some bread. All the children went even my other brother. Well, when we were getting ready Clemenitine told us that we were going to jog to the front of Winslow. I was excited and terrified all at the same time. We stretched and then Clementine start jogging with me and my brother right beside him. My other brother dropped out pretty quickly, I don't believe it was because he couldn't do it like he said I believe he got embarrassed about jogging in the neighborhood. I think Clementine knew that too, so he didn't give him a hard time he just said that we would meet him at the end. So now it was just me and Clementine. When I began to show signs that I might give up Clementine would quickly give me words of encouragement. He kept saying "You can do this. I know you can do this." He believed in me and I thought to myself if he could believe in me maybe I should believe in myself. So I started singing "wonder" by Natatlie Merchant. I sang it all the way to the end of the neighborhood with Clementine. He would only stop singing to give me words of encouragement or to tell me a car was coming. Towards the end I was so tired and had slowed down quite a bit, but Clementine (who could obviously run a lot faster) remained right beside me. That day that I ran a mile I learned a lot about myself and a lot about Clementine. I learned that if I don't give up and if I at least make it to the end then I might just amaze myself. I also learned that Clementine was going to stay beside me and help me believe in myself no matter what.
The second defining moment was my military ball. I had never gotten dressed up before and my Mom had taken me to the mall and helped me pick out this beautiful blue dress at JC Pennys. When she did my hair and I got dressed I felt like a fish out of water. I wasn't sure that I looked nice, but then Clementine saw me. He told me I looked beautiful and said I looked like a movie star. Mom took a picture of us together on the back porch. He was still in his work uniform, but none the less I was all too happy to take a picture with him. I have always thought of my brother as one of the "pretty people" and by doing what he did that day I let my self consciousness go and had a blast at the ball.
I have a lot to thank Clementine for, but these are two of the many memories that I want to share with the world. I think that by writing them and placing them here I have somehow frozen them in time. And if I bore you by using this blog to sometimes pay respect to my brother well, I am sorry. But I think now more then ever before it is important for me to make clear just how much he has done for me and just how much I really love him.

Why do I need a disclaimer?

Through out my life both of my brothers have made friends that I never met. I would listen as they tell stories about these great people, or not so great people depending on the story. Well, if my brothers decide that this person is cool and worth having around in their life, I am then allowed to meet them. It always plays pretty much in the same way.
Me: "So I am meeting John Doe today. Will I like them?"
Brother (really this could be either one): "I think you will. I REALLY like them. I have told them so much about you and they wanted to meet you. "
Me: "Huh? They do realize that I am a demi God and that they will either worship me or be smoted right? "
Brother: "I told them you can be a bitch. But I really like them. "
(This is the point when the send me some pathetic plea they both say the same thing
Brother: "Shiela be nice."

Be nice?? It's not like I walk around eating baby fetuses and barbecuing puppy dogs. Why I ask you do I need a disclaimer? I feel like I should have a parental advisory label, and if Tipper had her way I would be forced to have it tattooed to my forehead, but that is a different subject. The truth is I always play nice. I let the little things slide and I smile. But one certain occasions my brother will put forth a lamb and I am but a lion. The will parade in front of me the stupidest person they could find. I think that maybe these people aren't actually there friends, but it is a set up and they are just taping it for a reality show to air years from now. It's title will be "Over protective sister gone wild" Everything you like about girls gone wild except the boobs aren't on her chest they are trying to talk to her.
I think it will catch on. Anyway I am left feeling guilty and evil because there is only so much infantile things I can take before I snap. And when I snap it is more like Chernobyl then just a rant. I quickly spring up on my soap box (I carry it in my pocket and never leave home without it because you never know when the self righteous mood will strike and I will need it) I twirl around three times like wonder woman then I will become Soap Box Girl. Now everyone else calls me "bitch" but I prefer my name for obvious reasons. When I transform I am not in control of my body, the enigma of being right has taken over. I will begin inhaling this poor person who will be on the verge of tears before I am done with them. I will look over at my brother who always has the same look, the one that says "fuck, I knew she was going to do this." Most of the time that is the end of their friendship because regardless if I was out of line if these outsiders try to say anything negative about me my bros got my back.
So you see I can't help it if I am an unelected super hero, but someone has to clean up the streets and put stupid people where they belong (the swamp to help with the inbreeding process) But in the end I am "nice" and I blame it all on my brothers for not doing a thorough background check before displaying these intelligence terrorist in front of me.

It's beginning to feel like I am poor

I finished my Christmas shopping today. Spent more then I should have but I love to give. I thought Crow was going to be pissed but he was actually really cool about it. Wow, just when I think I have his number he surprises me. Everyone had better like what I got them or I will scream. I am so tired and must rise early tomorrow. I am sorry this is so short, but I will blog again tomorrow.

Where is Clementine?

Ok so Clementine is on a date and I don't want to disturb him. Have fun boy, just not to much fun. LOL.
I have been talking to him in my head about something horrible I did today. You see my hubby has been married before to a cratarzy whore and I have to deal with her. He has a child with her and so they talk regularly. Now I know you aren't supposed to hate, but I HATE her. She is the embodiment of everything weak and disgusting that I absolutely detest.. I will tell you that story later. Anyway I was sitting on the couch and my hubby was in bed as usual and his phone rang. I saw it was her and ignored her. She left a message saying that she really needed to talk to him. Pick up the kid or something. She then called back twice in a row. I didn't pick up, because I have nothing civil to say to the woman. I didn't wake Kevin and I deleted the messages. OOPS I thought 9 was to save.
So now I am sitting on the floor talk to Clementine in my head. He has both of his personalities this time so I have feed back from two people. Louis told me to come clean and said that it was wrong. He said she has nothing up on me so I need not even worry about her. So basically Louis was being sane. I noted his input then turned to Lou. Lou said fuck that bitch she gets paid so she should take care of her own offspring. He then told me not to worry about her, but that what I did was right. "Shit girl I would have kicked her teeth in a long time ago. You want me to. I'll cut a bitch you know that" Lou said. Louis scoffed and tried to reason. But I think this time me and Lou were on the right page. We ended up excusing ourselves and talking in another room because Louis, who is sane at this moment, is looking at us with judgmental eyes. And we hate when he does that. So me and Lou talked about how great will be when she dies, because I am quite a bit younger and will live longer. We decided to dance on her grave, and then Lou said he was going to spit on her casket in front of God and everybody. That's Lou the serial spitter.
Damn I really should stop talking in my head this shit is starting to seem real to me. Anyway hope your having FUN and taking it slow. But I am going to be honest I am starting to get excited about your new healthy oriental food diet.

My Childhood Nostalgia

I am a huge care bear fan. I know that I am to old for it, well that's what they all say any who. I wanted this on my blog! And remember everyone needs a friend who cares.

New Age Feminist

I usually piss women off and they call me a traitor. This is because I am a true feminist in a time when feminism isn't as popular. My mothers generation fought long battles and burning bras to achieve many goals. They are my heroes because they stepped up in a man's world and showed them through the looking glass the inequality and injustice purged upon them. So thanks girls. But in today's modern world, feminism like everything else has changed. To be feminist now means to be self sufficient and not relying on a man for ANYTHING. A lot of times it seems that you are apathetic to your sister plight, but the truth is we just expect more from women. If you are feminist today, when it is no longer trendy, you are a warrior with some huge ass balls because you have refused your pacifier and consciously place your self on the path of most resistance.
One issue that most women detest my point of view on is child support. Now if I offend you oh well the truth is the truth and even if it hurts I promise you I will always tell it. To all of you women on child support I spit on you. You are worthless and weak. It is your fault!!
Now I am going to bombard you with logic. I know your skin is already crawling. First, while it "takes two to make a baby" It takes ONE to have the baby. I am prochoice and I believe that you should not have children if you have nothing to offer them. Women can have an abortion or go through an adoption agency without ever contacting the father. They have a choice on whether or not to become a parent. Men don't and that's just not fair. Your body is your responsibility and since we now know that it is sperm meeting an egg that causes children, not storks or gifts from God, ladies it is your responsibility to ensure that your egg isn't infiltrated. It is your body and quite frankly if men convince you that unprotected sex is alright then you are stupid. Getting pregnant is the least of your worries there is STDS out the ass in this world and you could catch them. So if you buy the "I love you it's alright nothing will happen argument" then kill yourself and get out of the gene pool. You certainly don't need to be breeding.
Ok so you were stupid and didn't adhere to my advice on self euthanasia now what do you do. Well, most women head to court and get their pay check. There is so many problems with this. First of all in many states failure to pay child support is felony and they will send that father to jail under the "dead beat parent act" signed by Clinton. While in jail they obviously can't pay the support but not to worry there total will keep racking up while they are away and when they get out they can get a job and pay it. Because we all know how is easy it is to get a job with a felony on your record. And if you don't pay you go back to jail and thus the revolving door begins. Our forefathers took in criminals from England to build the colonies in what is today Georgia. These people were not rapist or killers they were what the English call debtors. Because they couldn't pay back the bank or other loans they were incarcerated. Our forefathers thought "well that's shitty John of Yorkshire is a good guy and he wanted to pay he just lost his job. How can we deal with this?? I know we will make it illegal to lock up anyone who is unable to pay their bills" But our forefathers are scoffing at us today because you can purchase a big screen TV kick in the front of it and all that can happen is it repoed and it goes on your credit. Hmm that's idea repossesing children. I will have to look into that.
Next child support is a blatant slap in the face. If you can't see that then get your head out of your ass and look around. In America women receive custodial child custody in about 84% of cases. They throw out the maternal bond card and Wham the men are told sorry but a queen trumps 4 kings in this court. Now I am not saying that women are evil for playing this card after all I am sure that they may believe their bond is more important then the fathers, but by doing this they hurt themselves in the career world. If women can say that because of their sex they are naturally the better parent and can handle the children better then it can be said that men are naturally better in the work force and that is why women aren't paid the same (the receive on average about 18% less then a man with the same qualifications and job). See girls you want your cake but you want to eat it too. And it just doesn't work that way. So while you are content popping out children and collecting the money from the baby daddy every month you are fucking with my world. I don't want to have to rely on a man to support my children, and I will be damned if I ever do. I have made sure that Crow knows that if at any time this marriage goes south, with or without children, I would not expect money from him because I will do whatever it takes to take care of me and mines. And I can say that for a fact because even though it hasn't occurred I know the kind of person I want to be and I would lose all respect for myself if I accepted it.
So to all of you women riding the baby bill gravy train it is time to get off. Because while you are content with your silence being bought I am not. I want to ask the important questions like: Why can't I make enough money to support myself and my family without the help of a man? Why do the men get taken more seriously in the work world? Why is man's brain valued of beauty but as a woman it is reversed?
I have million questions to ask, but I can't. Not until my weaker sisters refuse their little pacifier cake and demands equality. And when they finaly realizes that I am right on this in about 200 years I will be up in heaven mooning everyone saying "I told you fuckers I was right. Call me traitor again."

Beware of the Butt Monster

Ok, lately I have been in sort of a funk. I thought it over and I still have no clue why. But in case there is actually someone reading this I thought I should lighten the mood.
I was driving home and as I stopped at the red light I looked up at a billboard. It was all black with only white writing on it that said "Don't let colon cancer sneak up on you". Now normal people would see this and think Hmm maybe I should get checked out. I am not normal. I begin to laugh hysterically out loud. I am the only one in the car so the car next to me probably thought I was cratarzy. You are probably thinking that cancer is a serious thing and it was wrong of me to laugh. Yes, cancer is serious but the image that popped into my head wasn't. I imagined this huge anus (known affectionate as the Butt Monster) creeping out of the closet and attacking unexpecting prey as they sleep. Then I thought this would be a good story to tell children about how the Butt Monster sneaks up on you armed with colon cancer and the only way to ward him off is obey your parents. I think I will start the children book tomorrow. So folks remember to check behind every door, in all the dark places, lock your house up real tight and please, please wear pajamas because you never know when the Butt Monster might sneak up on you with colon cancer.

The Ugly Swan

Today I was having lunch with my friend Daze and another girl she knows which I will refer to as Ant (Since she just regurgitates classic society norms) I am biting into a biscuit and she looks at me and says "Have you ever thought about getting braces" I think I should take a moment to tell you that I have healthy teeth. I have never had a cavity and aside from the slight yellow from smoking they are in mint condition. But I do have a small jaw line and my two front teeth are large. When I was younger I had 8 permanent teeth removed, a space bar put in, and a gum surgery. It was hell. They did all this in the hopes that my mouth would grow into my teeth and I would have a "beautiful smile" It didn't work. Well I had been tormented for years by my peers calling me a beaver or chick monk. When I was in high school I decided to get braces. They told me that my teeth are straight they are just large and to fix my over bite they would have to chizzle and file my teeth down and then put on a cap to protect the raw nerve. Oh did I mention this would be really painful and that there was a possibility that they would real fuck up my teeth? So I decided that I had to learn to love my smile over bite and all.
You see when she said that the insecure little girl that I carry in me came flooding back. I quickly closed my mouth real tight (something I had learned to do as a child because if they can't see your teeth they can't say anything about them) I guess it is my fault because I have refused to let go of that little girl and so she pops up from time to time.
Now is the moment for the truth. I have always been self-conscious. I don't leave the house without make up and if I do I am extremely uneasy. I am not a beautiful girl. I battle with my weight (I eat when I am depressed) When I was younger I wouldn't eat for days. People would always tell me how skinny I was and that validated me. But the truth is I wasn't any happier then I am today, in some ways I was worse off. I would wake up and think "Wow today I am skinny and I wouldn't eat that day because I was afraid of losing my 'skinny day'" If the hunger pain got to much I would eat a small portion then run up to my room and lock the door. Once inside I would exercise till exhaustion attempting to purge myself of the calories. I felt like I was weak when I ate. But everyone told me I was skinny and beautiful so it seemed worth it.
Then I began to get really depressed because I could never be skinny or pretty enough so I would go down stairs into the garage open up my father’s tools and grab a razor blade. I would cut myself. I hated myself and had become numb the only thing that reminded me I was alive was the sight of my own blood. I had to wear elbow length gloves to my prom because the night before I had cut ten straight lines into each of my arms. All because I didn’t have a date. I remember after I did I would feel calm and I would crawl into bed and wrap towels around my wounds. Then I would pray that none of them were deep enough to kill me. I didn't want to die I just needed a release and the razor gave it to me.
When people would see cuts and ask about them I would say a cat did it. I am not sure if they bought it because it was a plausible explanation or because it was easier to deal with then the truth. I remember the first time I told anyone the truth it was Clementine. We were sitting in an IHOP and my sleeve moved and he saw one. I couldn't lie to him I had to tell the truth. The look in his eyes hurt more then any razor blade. He lost it and began to sob right there. Which made me cry. People must have thought we were insane. He begged me not to hurt myself ever again. He told me to come to him whenever life got to rough. I haven't cut myself since that day but the razor has beckoned. I usually sit there holding it for hours fighting myself with the memory of Clementine's plea and the memory of the feeling of release. I can't say one hundred percent that I will never do it again because the urge is still in me, but I can say that I have won every battle thus far and I hope to win the rest.
I am not looking for sympathy. I just felt that you deserved to know the whole truth. So that you would understand that the fact that I am alive today attest to my beauty because I lived through so much ugly. And I hope you understand that if I have the choice I will keep the smile I got because it was hard to find.

Yep all the stars are flicking me off

I know I fucked up my Sociology paper. I hate when you know it is to late to save yourself. It is kind of like drowning when you finaly reach muscle failure and accept that in a minute you will never breathe again. I have been self loathing as of late. I have been carrying the entire world around in my pocket and it is beginning to become heavy. I am worried about Clementine now that old ghost have come back to haunt. Do you ever see something and think HUH? Probably not a good idea. That is how I see the old ghost. Sometimes he should just let the past die and be buried if he wants a future. But that is just one more thing I can't control right now. I wonder how the planets are aligned. Probably in the "Screw Huck" formation. My period has to be coming on soon because I just feel like crawling up in the fetal position and ignoring the world. Well, I should get going I have more drowning to do.

Tie a red ribbon around the old oak tree

Today was world awareness day for HIV and Aids. I didn't attend a march because I couldn't find one and I had to work. But I felt that this day could not pass without me doing SOMETHING. After all if I did nothing I am sure Clementine would have demoted me to a one star general. So it was about 2 AM this morning when I realized that I didn't even have a single piece of red ribbon in my house. I rushed to Walmart with a quickness and bought some. As I was checking out I told the cashier about the day and what it meant to me. Then I gave her a red ribbon. My day of converting people away from apathy began then. I stayed up cutting little red ribbons and sticking pins in them.
When I got to work today everyone had a strange look on their face. I wore 4 small ribbons on my apron (Three were for each person I have ever met who was positive, the fourth was for the millions I haven't met, but still hold dear in my heart. Finally I had a big red ribbon woven into my hair just for Clementine. Then I pulled out my ziplock bag full of last nights project. I began handing them out to every coworker. The scene ran like this:
ME "Would you like a red ribbon?"
Coworker "Is it free?"
ME "Yes"
Coworker "What is is for"
ME "Well, today is world awareness day for HIV and Aids, by wearing it you are acknowledging that there is 40 million people in this world living with the disease, and you care."
Coworker "Wow that many?"
Me "Yes, and the number keeps growing, here is your ribbon."
I would leave them a bit dumb founded, but hey the truth is hard to swallow. Through out the night random coworkers would approach with questions about the virus and I would answer. The most common one was could they get it from touching someone. I would tell them the facts and most were surprised to know that you couldn't get it from spit. And this is how I spent the day. So Clementine, did I make you proud? Do I get to keep both of my stars?