Destiny Calling

I have been thinking a lot lately about destiny. In my own personal and self created spiritual beliefs destiny plays a big part. As most of you know my 24th birthday is approaching at rapid speed. And today I was thinking hmm when is destiny going to call me. What if he already called and I was on the phone and my call waiting didn't work so all he got was a busy signal. Will he call back later? Or is destiny a one shot deal?
Better yet what if in my short 24 years I have already fulfilled my destiny and it is unannounced to me? Now I am just a dog chasing it's own tail. I am searching for that which I already have kind of like when you rip your entire house apart looking for car keys only to find them in your pocket. If that is true, that I have already fulfilled me destiny should I feel cheated? I mean what the hell am I supposed to do with the rest of my time. I am not saying that I have, this is simply a what if question.
I am almost 24 and I am really starting to search for a meaning or purpose to all of this. I am too stubborn to believe that this all random events with no connection to a larger picture. But what if I am just fooling myself and destiny is a man made notion like money. What if everything we strive for is simply a creation of our own minds imagination. What if hunting destiny is just like hunting Big Foot. That in my opinion is almost more scary then missing the call.
I recently read a blog where a man said that he was doing God's work. This got me reevaluating my own beliefs. At first I was envious of this person because they were so certain that they had it all figured out and they knew exactly what they were doing. As the only member of my faith (and this statement is true because I am the creator of it) is it possible that I am completely wrong? But this leads me to be forced to explain my concept of religion. I will make this brief, but I feel that at the very least you will get a good laugh out of it.
To start when I was in my teens I went through a period where I felt that I really needed faith. This led me on my "church search". I went to just about every religions church or wooded area attempting to find one that I could give my full blind faith to. I never found that place. But frustrated because I wanted something to believe in I decided to evaluate my life and base my beliefs on things that I believed to be true.
First I guess I should mention my higher being. I sometimes refer to it as God because there is no other way of stating it without confusing people. My God is a great being. It doesn't care if you believe in it or not. All it wants is for you to fulfill your destiny. Destiny is a tricky thing though, your destiny could be something grand like saving the lives of others or it could be something sinister like taking the lives of others. Your destiny is your own and you decide whether or not to follow it. If you do follow it then your soul moves on to another place, if you don't then you are recycled and given how many ever chances it takes for you to get it right.
See simple enough. I will stop there because after that things become a little a tricky and to some a little freaky. The whole point of any of this was to get you all thinking about your destiny. To remind you to listen to that little whisper inside yourself and to use you call waiting because you never know who might be calling.

Doesn't play well with others

When I was in kindergarten I had issues. I did a lot of things my first year of school. I even escaped one day by running away. It was the beginning and end of my short lived track career. But there is one thing, looking back on it now, that I made brutally clear at five years old. I hated authority and I was built to rise up against the man. At that young age I entered the counter culture.
There is one day that stands out that I feel I should tell you about. This day explains so many of my actions as and adult. My teacher was truly a prophet. So walk with me now down memory lane.
It was a brisk spring day in Hawaii. It was a day not unlike any other day for most, but for me it was a day of revolution. There was a little boy in my class, and while his name I can't quite remember his face I still see clearly. He had freckles and blonde hair. He was tall for a kinder kid. He was the class bully and a royal snot. Actually he was king snot. Everyday before lunch we were allowed play time. From the first day of school King Snot made it clear to all that during play time he was the only one allowed to play with the green clay. This didn't bother me for most of the year. I would simply play house with the other girls. I always found a baby doll and sometimes I lucked out and got the one baby doll without crayon marks all over her face. Life was peaceful until that fateful day. I believe that it was at this point that destiny intervened. Bored with the crayon babies and make believe parties I knew that I wanted more then just a house. Then from the corner of my eye I saw that little boy playing with the green clay. The clay appeared to glisten. It was taunting me and beckoning to be sculpted by a master such as myself. I knew from the clay's pleas for mercy what I had to do. I walked right up to that little boy and did the five year olds equivalent to knighthood. In front of the entire class I pushed this bully aside and snatched the green clay right from his fat unwashed hands. Then with me chest puffed out I looked him right in the eye and said "mine". The entire class was watching in amazement and glee, unfortunately so was my teacher. She came marching over and demanded that I give him the clay. I defiantly told her "no" and consequently my name was put on the board. I proceeded to play with clay and I protected it like my precious.
The rest of the day ran like usual. At the end of the day we all sat down on the floor in front of the teacher and waited for our teddy grahm. This was a little slip of paper with a teddy bear on it and a message saying that you were "beary good today." The students without their name on the board received one. Well, while the teacher was handing them out she gave me one. I was a so happy, I honestly believed that she had figured out her mistake and was attempting to right it. I was wrong. Not a moment later she happened to glance at the board and see my name. She asked for it back and when who extended her hand I heard the firing of a gun and I proceed to sprint around the room. At this point I was still in the prime of my track career and the teacher just couldn't catch me. I was just praying that I could out run her until the bell rang and then I could dart out the door with my teddy grahm. Unfortunately before the bell rang my teacher had caught the handle of my turquoise minnie mouse back pack and had slammed me to the floor. There I was dazed staring up at this mammoth woman as she reached into my child sized hand and ripped my teddy grahm from my hand. She replaced it with a note that read "Shiela does not play well with others." I found it convenient that when my Mom picked me up that day my teacher told her that I ran away, but my teacher "forgot" to mention the body slam to the floor she gave me. I told my Mom about it on the way home. It could not have been better. The heat quickly was off me and on my teacher. I had committed the perfect crime, well kind of.
You see I tell you this story because to this day it is true. My kindergarten teacher handed me a prophecy that day. She told everyone just the kind of princess I would be. It is still true I don't play well with others, but you know what who needs the others.

Birthday Message

Happy birthday bro bro. Well, you survived another year and you are at the dawn of a new one. I hope that everyone in your life thanks you for being there for them. I hope your birthday is special and grand. I hope Orion leads you home this year and gives you great gifts of knowledge. You are an amazing person and I can't wait to see who you will become in your 29th year. I love you and again happy birthday.

In search of a hobby

Now that I have taken a semester off of school I am desperate to fill the time. I have decided I need a hobby. Your usual hobbies wont work for me. I could never get into say stamp collecting or religion. So I am searching aimlessly for my nitch. I could exercise more, but that would require me to quit smoking. And this would just leave me in search of a new vice so I don't think that is the answer. I thought about reading more. But I find the book store a bit depressing and a daunting task. All these books that I would love to read staring at me. Then I spend hours trying to whittle my decision down to one book. Then I usually end up leaving empty handed and enraged.
There is so many hobbies to choose from, but how do I know which one is right for me. I got interested in wood burning, I even got a kit. I was all excited until I found out that you need artistic talent. So now the kit just sits in my crafts closet tormenting me. I am at an impasse because I am not sure how I a grown person finds something new to enjoy. I am about to be 24 and I am finding myself already stuck in my ways. Is that even possible?
Well, for now I will keep searching. If you have any ideas, please share. And just keep in mind I want it to be something cheap, smoker friendly, and fun. Wish me luck!

Another World Wonder

I have been thinking a lot lately about some pretty heavy issues. One in particular has been racking my brain. No, it is not why are we here or does God ever take a day off. It is much deeper then that and harder to solve. I of course am talking about the decade old philosophical condrum the riddle of the McRib. Now I know that I am not supposed to burden you readers, and I know that this subject is likely to offend. But I have been searching my soul for an answer to the riddle. Why is McDonalds getting rid of the McRib?
This is obviously some sort of psychological test on the American people. Maybe we have been fooled and Mickey D's is actually owned by North Korea. They have been laying down the ground work for decades on this one. Now that they have nuclear weapons, they are going to come at us full force. First they will get rid of the McRib, then they will get rid of McDonalds all together. Then when all Americans are to weak because they haven't eaten for days which is a direct result of the fact that they are to lazy to cook and can't afford Burger King due to gas prices. Then and only then will North Korea strike.
They have this plan in action already. This is why their Nuclear missiles are pointed directly at San Francisco. They know that there is only two kinds of people in that city queers and tree huggers. The Koreans also know that in order for their plan to take hold they must get rid of that city because they cause the biggest threat. There is no way that queers or tree huggers will be crippled by the lack of McDonalds since neither eats there anyway. Tree huggers are repulsed by the idea of eating a cow (ha but the joke is on them, the burgers are actually soy and horse meat with very little cow. Stupid tree huggers.) and queers would are to afraid of getting fat and dying alone with 400 cats. So in order for the North Koreans to invade they must get rid of San Francisco first. They will quickly follow that bombing with another bombing of LA. This is where the mutants that never eat and appear to be able to survive on Gucci and Calvin live. They wont be weakened by the loss of Mickey D's either.
Now, I know that you are scared and have probably already stopped reading this post to run to McDonalds and buy enough McRibs to stock pile your bomb shelter (which you will begin building tomorrow after a trip to Home Depo. Note: Home Depo is owned by our governments terror alert team, but that is another blog.) So I wish you all health, happiness, and fast food in these obviously turmoil times. Also, I would like to note that I don't hate North Korea and neither does anyone I associate with, so please sir may I have another McRib.

My Turn: A few of my favorite things

I love the sunset, it is another chapter closed. I love shopping at night when no one else is in the store and all the little kiddies are tucked safely into bed. I love animals. The way that they are pure and love so unconditionally. They have no bad days or bad moods to take out on you. All they want is food in their bellies, a warm lap to lay down in, and they will give you their life. I love that my Mom gets me a music box every year since I was 10. It makes me smile just looking at them. I love the way my husband draws me. I am beautiful and mysterious. I love all of his art work and the way that he never stops amazing me. I love how my Dad tells the funniest stories that come from the middle of no where. I love how my brother Patrick is quiet and reserved and has the best conversations about pop culture. I love how Louis is always a phone call away with some insane new story that leaves me smiling. I love all the people in my life and how they turn to me in times of need. I like being the knight in shining armor that protects the underdog and brings justice to the weak. I like a good confrontation. The kind where you are fighting for a cause you believe so passionately about. I strive well when the cards are dealt against me. I love taking a test that I have study really hard for and know that I am overly prepared because I know the answer to every question. I feel kind of like Napoleon and the countries are each question and I just plow through and conquer. I love music that has lyrics that pierce my soul. I love my DVR because I can watch tv any time I want. I love Care Bears. They remind me of simpler times since passed and they remind me to find pleasures in life that are more then superficial. I love playing in the rain. I like the way the rain makes the entire world like a phoenix. It washes away all the dirt and leaves everything strong enough to with stand it a chance to rise up and reinvent itself. I love my life and everyone in it. Flaws, warts, smiles, laughter I love it all.

Scorn Lovers

Why is that people when they lose love also lose their minds. I know I was one of them. Egging cars and calling at midnight drunk. If this thing we call love is so made up then why does it hurt when it is gone. I was thinking about Mr. Anonymous and at first I was getting pissed off. Sorry Ty for using your comments as a posting ground to throw down the gauntlet. But now with a little time for reflection I find that I pity him. He is hurt because he thinks there is some obvious flaw in him that everyone else but him sees. Now I don't personally know Mr. A but I know how he feels. It is always hard when someone you cared for moves on. That is until you move on then quite frankly you could care less. Ironically as time passes you remember why you liked that person but the reasons for the break up become foggy. You might remember who dumped who but not why the break up occurred. I know for myself there is only one ex that I am civil with. He was my first boyfriend and second kiss. He burned me pretty bad, but I got and apology and a lot of cool shit out of him. When he or any boyfriend asked for their shit back I always refused. A gift is a gift. Besides is it truly my fault that I had an exit plan and you didn't. Why should I be punished for packing my parachute while your ass was to lazy to do it. That is one plus side of every break up I have ever been apart of. The stuff you walk away with. Hell, it doesn't even have to be my break up for me to make out like a bandit. Right Clem? I was always smart about that. Not lavishing my fling with anything I wasn't willing to throw away. I never lost anything in a break up, but I have gained jewelry, jackets, hats, car keys. Men would just give me shit trying to seduce my pants off, then when things went south I walked away like I had won the lottery. Of course there was tears and pain, but when the dust settled I always felt like I had won the break up. But let me get back to Mr. A. I apologize for not being sympathetic to your pain. Maybe you had no cd to comfort you. I am sure that we are both smart from text books. But as an old soul let me give you one piece of advise. Move on. Reading Ty's blog only pains you and forces you to lash out on undeserving people. I can clearly see that you love nerve is still raw so stop aggravating it. Learn from that relationship and next time at least get collateral before dating anyone. I am telling you it always helps mend the wounds faster when you pawn their Dad's ring and buy all your friends dinner. Not that I did that... or did I?

I haven't been blogging lately because I have been pretty down. It all started earlier in this week when I changed my SC drivers license to a TN one. I know it seems foolish but I felt like I was giving up a part of myself. Though my new picture is a whole hell of a lot better, I still feel like I betrayed my soul. You see now it is official I am no longer a South Cacky Lacky girl I am from this state. There is no going back. Even when I went to Germany I didn't have to give up my SC license. I guess I always wanted the light left on in case I liked the dancing, but now the light is clearly to far away. I feel alone and isolated. I have my husband and my pets, but I don't really have anyone else here. You see I don't consider a person to be in my life if everything has to be on their terms. Maybe it is infantile of me, but I believe that if someone never gives into you and lets you have it your way then you are in their life but they are not in yours. It is kind of like I am a guest star on their show. My in laws and friends are like this. If they devise the plan then I am supposed to make room and do it, but if I come up with an idea everyone is too busy and sadly can't make it. His sisters birthday party is this weekend, and we of course are expected to go. I don't want to because my birthday is approaching quickly and I remember my "party" last year. No one came. His Mom and Dad showed up but to be honest I was living with them at the time so they were kind of already there. No one else came or got me a gift or hell even a card. I had driven 5 hours to spend my birthday up here and there was nothing. I cried for most of my 23rd birthday. But anyway I have gone to everyone else's parties and brought gifts and smiled and appeared happy, but I know this will not be the case for my birthday. Maybe his parents will call this year. I know that I am whining, and maybe I seem like a spoiled little child. But this blog is only serving the purpose of letting people know why I have dropped off the planet for a little while. I have gone into my cave. I am reflecting and trying to get myself out of this foul mood. I stare at the ceiling watching the snowflakes change into blurry tears. I am just blue and I hope to be back to my cynical bitchy self soon.

Socialization of youth

When my hubby and I discuss having children it is in a casual, someday, sort of way. We never commit to a time line or actually planning the birth of our child. I believe that this in part has to do with how we believe a child should be raised. Now I am not saying I am right, ok let me quit lying of course I think I am right, but this is just my theory based on evidence and education. There is no particular reason I am writing this blog. There is no babies in my immediate future. I have just come across many adult who were obviously not taught the proper home training. So I am going to tell you how to raise a productive member of society and not an asshole.
To start you MUST tell your children "no". It is important that they learn that they can not have everything they want. Now some parents may think that they are giving their children the ideal childhood by spoiling them with little plastic men and cake. But the truth is that the parents are only committing a major injustice on the children. They are socializing them to believe that they can have whatever they want without working for it. They then unleash this spoiled Veroca Salt out on to the world where other people are forced to put up with their temper tantrums every time they don't get exactly what they want. The children then are dumb founded that everyone is not appeasing them and kissing their ass. These children are incapable of having a true adult life because most times they are unable to take responsibility for their own actions.
every time a serial killer is talked about in the news they say that he had a hard childhood. You know why spoiled children are never serial killers because they can't get away with the first murder! Now I am not condoning murder, but if your going to do it atleast take down as many people as possible. You will get the needle if you kill one person so why not kill twenty and make it worth your while. Anyway, they only kill one person and they confess just about every time. Why? Because Mommy and Daddy will fix it. In their spoiled minds they believe that they are above the laws that the rest of us have to follow. Their parents have taught them that they are extremely "special" and that they can say and do whatever they want.
So you see parents by buying your children the latest melon shaped Pikoshoo crapped out of Japan you are not making them happy, you are making them crazy. Then it is the rest of society who falls victim to your child. If they aren't killing us at the very least they are screaming and ruining our movie. So stop over indulging them and get a back bone. The best childhoods are ones forged in love and the word NO.

Lazy Days

I have spent the last two days playing video games and watching tv. I have yet to find the motivation to clean up or even get up for that matter. I think that everyone needs these days. It is time to just shut down, a brief moment where your worries melt away and the only thing stopping you is the army of dead people on the screen. Crow likes to tease me because while I love to learn and reinvent what I know to be true I can also find entertainment in gossip magazines and 30 minute long sitcoms. He says that I am a contradiction. I suppose he is right. I just prefer to look at it as me getting to know my foes. I can't very well heard that cattle if I don't know what they like. Besides it helps refresh me to take time away from deep thought and depressing notions and just plug into the tv for awhile. I can live in my head if people would let me. I constantly have conversations with people. I guess you could say my yoda is the people in my head. I bounce ideas off them and seek solace when needed. This can become tricky at times because I will forget that I talked to me head's version of Clementine and not the actual one, so when we are on the phone and I attempt to continue the conversation I left with a long silence and then the familiar conversation.
Me " So I think you were right about what you said."
Clem "Which time?"
Me "When you told me I should tell off my boss. Well, I did it and I think he found respect for me after that"
Clem "I never said that"
Me "Yes, you did we had like a two hour conversation about it"
Clem "No, I think I would remember that."
Suddenly I realizes that I have made a mistake. It was my version of Clem in my head that gave me such stellar advice. I then proceed to change subject quickly.
So you can see if I don't shut down from time to time I might go insane. Truly be one of those short pants wearing people looked away from the world. Now I think that writing this constitutes something productive and I must counter act it with 2 hours of tv.

Happy 2006

I rang in the new year just as I wanted to, in bed. This decision made sense two fold. The first being that I had to work the next morning, and the second being in regards to the old wives tale. You all know it. The one that says that where you are at midnight is how your new year will be. Well, being in bed meant to me Peace. It meant that in 2006 there will be less barriers to overcome and I might find just a pinch of peace. It also meant that maybe my dreams will begin to take form since they were dancing in my head when the ball dropped. I was laying next to my hubby, so I guess that means he will be by my side in 2006. Now maybe I am just viewing my celebration from a cotton candy cloud, but at least I made and "informed" and conscious tradition. I know it sneaky to attempt to fool karma and old wives tales everywhere by changing the rules slightly in my favor. But as far as I can tell it is not written in stone anywhere so I can adapt my own meaning of the situation. Besides the rest of the cattle were huddled around their televisions as the ball dropped and lord knows I don't want to fall any humanoid norms.
So, to all of you I hope this new year brings light into the darkness. I hope it brings love into the cold. I hope it brings friends, family, laughter and memories. I hope it makes the path of most resistance worth your while. But most of all I hope it brings to you the most marvelous gift, you in all your glory.
Kisses.